Summary
Rosenberg, an American psychologist, developed and coined the term “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC), which is a theory of communication that teaches people to express themselves clearly and honestly, while being respectful, empathic and focusing on what is being said as opposed to diagnosing or judging; or, as Rosenberg puts it simply, “a way of communicating that leads us to give from the heart.” He contends that, for centuries, people have been taught to speak and think in ways that can in fact perpetuate pain, conflict or even violence. This is where NVC comes in: to reduce these issues, build trust, strengthen relationships and promote peace – one interaction at a time. Through useful anecdotes, inspiring stories and practical exercises, Rosenberg introduces a framework for NVC and shows us how to authentically express ourselves in any type of heated situation (internally, in business, in relationships and more).
Key Points
#1: In order to be successful at NVC, we must focus on four key components: observations, feelings, needs and requests.
The process of NVC is as follows: 1) Observing a situation, 2) recognising the feelings that this situation awakens, 3) identifying what needs are connected to those feelings, and lastly, 4) looking at what we can ask for to satisfy those needs. When used in a sentence: “When ___, I feel ___, because I am needing ___. Therefore, I would now like ___.”
To practice NVC is to express these four components verbally (or by other means), but also to receive the same four areas of information from others. That is to say, sensing what they are observing, feeling, needing and requesting so that we can determine how we can best help them. When we use this process, we create a flow of communication that leads to compassion from both sides.
#2: When there is an emotional response to a situation, it's always based on an unmet need, so don’t be quick to judge or blame.
Judging or blaming someone is the worst thing we can do if we want them to listen or change their behaviour. Instead, Rosenberg suggests a foundational habit for NVC: that we learn to separate observations from judgments or blame, keeping our observations objective and neutral.
Better yet, understanding others’ behaviours as manifestations of their unmet needs helps to humanize conflicts and create empathy. And if we show empathy and true understanding for one’s needs, we’re likely to receive a respectful response to our requests of them.
#3: Connection to self (being at home with our own feelings and needs), enables us to form better connections with others and thereby become better communicators.
According to Rosenberg, NVC’s most important use may be in developing self-compassion. As he states, “When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others.” Therefore, it is important to employ NVC in our own moment-to-moment evaluation of ourselves in a way that helps us to learn, grow and make decisions that serve us – rather than turning to self-hatred. By being better in tune with ourselves and assessing our behaviours in terms of our unmet needs, not only can we cultivate self-compassion, but we can better communicate our requests of others and thus be better communicators.
Application
While NVC can be applied to any aspect of one ‘s life, let’s look at how it can be utilised in the world of business (we are consultants after all).
- Sales + Marketing: An NVC approach to Sales + Marketing is listening to your target audience and letting them know how you can meet their needs and make their lives more enriching. This should be nothing new!
- Money: When evaluating an incoming offer, whether it be for a product, service or salary, ask yourself, “does this amount work for me in relation to my needs, or my business in relation to its needs?”
- Stress Management + Team-Building: There is a lot of stress in the business world. Therefore, feelings and needs awareness, of self and others (aka showing empathy), is crucial to stress management and creating a productive working environment.
MAp's Favourite Quote
“The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to change people and their behaviour in order to get our way: it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy, which will eventually fulfil everyone’s needs.”
Conclusion
We genuinely hope that you read this book and share it with whoever is important to you. If you do, let us know what you think! Support a local bookshop by buying your book here: https://bookshop.org/. You can also find further valuable information on this website: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com
In a world in which we are all looking to make an impact, improving the way we communicate is an important first step.
ke time for prosecco